Here are 5 good reasons to NOT buy a home at Lake of the Pines:

1.  Lemonade stands.  As soon as the weather warms up, CHILDREN set up lemonade stands on corners.  They actually think you are going to stop and give them a quarter for their lemonade.  They probably think you approve of how they are learning  the ways of business and self-reliance.  Silly, silly kids.

2.  Walkers on the streets. On any given day scores of Lakers will be out walking on the streets.  Taking their time!  What are they thinking?  Many of them are pushing baby strollers.  Some of them are on bicycles, for crying out loud.  There are entire FAMILIES walking together.  Some of them are walking their dogs.  Oh, look, they’re actually picking up the dog poop in plastic bags.  It’s very annoying.

3.  Clubs and organizations. It seems like every time you turn around, there’s another club!  Why do they need garden clubs, tennis clubs, and bridge clubs (who plays bridge anymore, huh?).  Organizations.  Groups.  Activities.  Music on the Lake.  Fireworks, triathlon, swim across the lake.  Service organizations for men and women, a bunch of do-gooders trying to improve their community.  Who do they think they are anyway?

4.  Speed limit. For the entire Lake of the Pines.  Twenty Five Miles an Hour!  Oh c’mon.  I got places to go in a hurry.  I’m a very busy man.  Hey you, old lady in a motorized wheel chair, and you there, woman, strolling along with your girl friends like you’ve got all day, GET OUT OF MY WAY!  What’s that?  OMG it’s a school bus.  Don’t do it!  Don’t.  Don’t  flash those red lights  . . . the driver did it, flashed the lights and, of course, he had to swing out the little stop sign.  Now I have to stop . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . for all the moms to safely pick up their brats.

5.  It’s too clean. Where’s the trash, the noise, the pollution, the graffitti, the gangbangers on the corner?  How do people live like this?  I want to go back to the city.